The Amorphous Anger

I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago and we were just sharing the angst we were having about the state of the world. I know, I know, I should stick to less stressful topics like golden retrievers, favorite foods, and Netflix series, but sometimes, you just gotta get the big stuff out of your head. My friend had the most brilliant name for what we (and likely the rest of the world) were experiencing…amorphous anger. Isn’t that the best? Anger without clear boundaries or form. It’s just all over the place. Kind of like explosive diarrhea. There’s an image.

It feels like every day it’s something. Covid, Trump, Putin, Ukraine, staffing shortages, supply chain issues, gas prices, overcrowding in Austin, Abe assassination, anti-semitism, racism, gun violence, the “supreme” court, lies, the Texas power grid, climate change, the Texas government, lack of mental health resources, Insurance, the Hallmark Channel’s insistence that they show Christmas movies in July, I’m pretty sure I could go on and on.

I tried not watching news and that does help a lot as I’m a sensitive person and get upset by most everything so I focus on work and quilting and my home life. The problem is my phone manages to notify me of headlines that can be upsetting. And then of course I have to look it up and I get more upset. I accidentally clicked something on my work computer and this whole list of headlines popped up and one was so horrible that I immediately freaked out. Just a side note that people who intentionally harm animals should be destroyed immediately. They have no hope of being rehabilitated. I don’t even care if they are rehabilitated. They are dead to me.

People are pissed off. We took our dogs to the beach the other day and this little boy came over to throw tennis balls for them and I tell you, he was having a blast. Giggling and so excited. Then this asshole drove by and screamed “no dogs allowed on the beach.” There was one 4” sign on the gate that we saw when we were leaving. This guy looked like Captain Kangaroo, I can’t imagine he ever goes to the beach, it was really none of his business, but he didn’t care, he is pissed and everyone is going to know it. Well, the head of Anne Arundel County is going to know it too because I sent him a letter expressing my dissatisfaction with his rude citizens. Anyway, people are mad about absolutely everything. All the time.

Last week, I had a realization that is not something new to others I am sure. It just helped me out a bit. I’ve been living under the assumption that our world is the worst it’s ever been. That people are more terrible and the whole world is going to hell. On a really fast train. And then I remembered humans have been doing absolutely horrible things since the beginning of time. Awful, awful things.

My last semester at UT, I took a class called Trauma in Literature. I didn’t understand most of this class at all, but we talked a lot about the Holocaust and if you grew up in Texas, chances are, you did not learn very much about the Holocaust. I would encourage everyone to visit a Holocaust museum, see Schindler’s List and read books by Viktor Frankl and Elie Weisel. We watched part of the brilliant documentary, Shoah, and it was gut wrenching. A prisoner recollected working in the building where the bodies were burned at one of the camps. He described the traumatic memory of actually “stirring” the bodies with a shovel. Watching him break down while making the stirring motion was heartbreaking. I mention all of this because Bill is reading a book by Erik Larson and in it, the fact that in 1940, 93% of Americans did NOT support going to war against Germany. And the Holocaust was not a secret. Everyone knew this was happening, America just chose to stay out of it. Until after Pearl Harbor and then all bets were off, but still. 93%!!!!! And we turned ships full of Jewish refugees away from our shores. We did not help them! We did NOT help them! That is really, really, really unfathomable to me.

Before that, there was slavery. If you grew up in Texas, I guarantee you didn’t learn much about the institution of slavery. I have not personally read a lot on the subject, but I’ve seen films and Americans did this to other Americans! Because of the color of their skin? Absolutely unbelievable. And not learning about it does not make it disappear. We need to learn about our mistakes or they will continue over and over.

The McCarthy hearings of the 1950’s? Seen the movie Milk? People lost their livelihoods for being gay. Reagan’s administration initially called AIDS the “gay plague.” Heck, I’m sure there is so much more.

And then I remember there are lots of good things that happen here and there are people that do good things. Really good things. People care about people and they take care of their friends and families. They donate to charities. They volunteer. There are medical advances and inventions that change people’s lives for the better (I’m going to argue that the fart app on your phone doesn’t count). People care about you whether you believe it or not. I, in fact, care about you and want good things for you. Unless you are that asshole from the beach and then I just want you to feel a little bit guilty for messing with that cute little kid’s day.

So I’m going to try and remember some of the good stuff. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I’ll probably get angry again. Because more shit is going to happen. It’s just the cycle of the universe. This crazy fluffing universe.

love to you all