Existential Stuff
I was talking to someone yesterday and he said he was working on enjoying the process of creating art rather than having it be acknowledged. He also said he was working on focusing on his values and trying to accomplish them on a daily basis. That started a whole cyclone in my brain that is still in the beginning stages. So batten down the hatches because here we go.
It started with art. I think of myself as an artist. I may not hang work in galleries, but I create. Of course you should enjoy the creative process or why do it? But do you know how frustrating parts of the creative process can be? It’s exhausting. You start with a blank canvas, which can be terrifying. Where do you start? What if the first line is not quite right? Then maybe you have a great idea, but it’s not coming together. There are parts that are tedious and mind numbing. How about sewing together hundreds of triangles? Or attaching 144 fabric leaves to five inch squares? But amid all of the moments of wanting to hurl your work from a 30 story window, there are even more moments of exhilaration. You finally got that dog ear to look three dimensional or you sewed your fabric pieces so they made a perfect point. And when you get to the end, you’ve created a masterpiece. OK they can’t all be masterpieces, but usually I have a sense of satisfaction by creating something from nothing.
And then what? Do I put it in my closet, never to be seen again? Not me, I text it to several people and post it on my website. Does that mean I’m only creating for acknowledgement? I just want people to find yet another adjective to express how much they love it? I think there’s not just one answer. Yes, I love the process for the process itself, but I also want people to think it’s awesome. Is that so wrong? Would a “better person” just love the process and not care what people think? Then why are there art galleries and art appreciation classes? Why do people sell their art at festivals? Why do people devote Instagram pages to their art?
I happen to believe in the power of art to inspire and heal the soul. I think everyone should see art. All kinds of art. Paintings, sculpture, pastels, drawings, quilts, fashion, gardens, architecture, industrial design, weddings cakes, floral arrangements, hairstyles, interior design, pottery, graffiti… So to me, I think sharing art with others is important in and of itself. I guess the problem comes in when you derive your self-worth from the response you get from sharing your art. If it’s on Instagram, and you get all bent because you didn’t get enough “likes” and you decide you are worth less than dirt, then you might want to look at that.
Later in the evening, I started thinking about why we do anything. I mean I would love to think I want to help people only because I care about them, but it’s not so simple. I also like how it makes me feel and I want people to think I’m a good person. So part of helping people is about what people think of me? Well, that doesn’t sound like a “good person” right? I mean I bet Mother Teresa didn’t care what people thought of her, she just did good deeds for others. Right? Again, I think it’s not so simple.
I googled “values” to get a better idea of what they actually were. Basically, your values are the things that you believe to be important to you in how you live. If you live your life in line with your values, then you feel content, but when you go against your values, you can feel shame and guilt. I found an interesting article, which made me more confused than ever. What are my values? I realized I actually had no idea. I know the person I think I would like to be, but it seems that person is what I think society or popular culture has told me I should be. The article says to think about a person you admire and what it is you admire about them. And it says to think about what inspires you and when you feel most like yourself. It also has an enormous list of values for you to pick from. They all sounded perfectly befitting of a good human, but I just couldn’t decide which ones fit me. I think it’s something I’ll need to do additional work on before I can come up with my own list.
I was recently accepted to the MSSW Program at the University of Texas School of Social Work. I was so excited about the acceptance that I told absolutely everyone before I actually decided if it was something I wanted to do. I don’t necessarily love school. I don’t consider myself a very curious person that gets excited about learning new things. And school is very hard work. I don’t mind working hard, but it’s a very different type of hard work. I know, I know, a “good person” would value curiosity and education. So do I just want to go so people will think I’m a good person? Once again, not such a simple answer. When I went back to college several years ago, I also thought I did not like school and it ends up that it was one of the most fulfilling times of my life. I actually did like learning and working hard at schoolwork. So what’s going on here? Why do I think I’m not a person who is curious and likes learning? Well, that too is complicated. Am I afraid to go? Do different parts of me have different values?
My husband sent me an article about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that helps to explain why we are motivated to do the things that we do. It’s the triangle where your physiological needs are on the bottom and once those are met, you can move up a level to safety needs and once those are met, up to belongingness and love needs, then esteem needs, and finally, once all of those needs are met, you can move up to self-actualization. Some interesting facts about the triangle are that you don’t need to satisfy 100% of a level’s needs in order to “graduate” to the next level and it’s not linear, you can go back and forth between the levels based on life’s circumstances. Maslow also said, “any behavior tends to be determined by several or all of the basic needs simultaneously rather than by only one of them.” I found that particularly interesting because it explains why we aren’t always motivated to do something for just one reason. I can be motivated to create a work of art out of my desire for self-actualization as an artist and because it gives me self-esteem to create something beautiful that people appreciate. The article points out that Maslow estimates only about 2% of people actually reach a state of self-actualization or becoming absolutely everything an individual can be. That takes a load off I guess.
So our motivation to do things comes both from our values and our needs. And that can be many things all at the same time. So of course my brain would get a bit overloaded if I try to figure out why I do everything that I do. I’m not always going to even know why I’m doing something while I’m doing it (especially since I don’t know all of my values yet, next project). Sometimes, it’s just going to be because I want people to like me and that may not feel that great if it goes against my values. Sometimes, it will be for reasons that are as pure as the driven snow. And then I’ll probably ruin it by telling absolutely everyone that I did it on social media. Whatever, I’m no Mother Teresa. Did she have Twitter though?
